Real Life Arguments Between A Marriage Coach And Her Husband!(Continued)
(After previous arguments, we had agreed that if he was getting angry to a point where he felt he couldn’t control his speech, he was to let me know that he needed a break from the conversation by telling me just that. He was to simply say: “Babe, I need a break from this conversation. Can we continue this later?” This was meant to be our signal.)
Well, that’s not what he said during this argument! When he was starting to get upset, my husband kept telling me:
“This conversation is over!”
Right in the middle of me talking!
Who wants to hear that when they’re trying to make a point to their spouse? I know I don’t! So needless to say, no, the conversation was not “over”! I still had points I needed to make. So of course I kept making my point, and of course he kept getting angry until he unleashed the beast – his sharp, penetrating words.
As we talked about this during our reconciliation conversation, my husband made me realize that when he was saying, “This conversation is over!” he was actually trying to prevent the conversation from escalating. He made me realize that for him, particularly when he was angry, that was an easier default statement than the previous statement we had agreed on.
I struggled with this. I really did. In past relationships, when I heard the four words “This conversation is over!” they were said to hurt me, not to prevent an argument from escalating. This led me to attach negative meaning to those words, and rightfully so. (Watch out though because some of the hang-ups you might be having in your marriage, are past wounds you are carrying from other relationships).
I still think those words are negative, to be honest, but in discussing this with my husband I realize that in his own case, once he starts getting upset, because his mind is already so clouded with heated emotions, he will always struggle to find his way back to the safer, more comforting signal statement of “Babe, I need a break from this conversation. Can we continue this later?” His brain seemed to be able to find “This conversation is over!” a lot easier, according to him.
He made me understand that when he says those words to me, I need to understand the intended meaning and not the one I had previously associated them to. I initially insisted we attempt to find another compromise statement as a signal, and even though my husband reluctantly agreed, I eventually realized that I just might be the one to compromise in this particular instance and accept what he is able to do. After all, it will prevent our arguments from escalating.
Will this end all our arguments? Of course not! But I think this will go a long way in helping us reduce the hurtful words that we say to one another. By the way, the very next day, we had another argument – one simply too embarrassing to go into details here. But I assure you that we had our “strategy” at the back of our minds as we argued.
Finding a way to stop arguments from escalating is critical to the health of any marriage. You are meant to enjoy your marriage and the only way to do this is to create as many positive memories as you can, while dramatically cutting down the number of negative memories you create. When the positive memories significantly outnumber the negative, therein lies the health of your marriage.
So in this spirit of creating positive memories, we the Okuneye family spent the afternoon after this discussion, with our three wonderful kids at one of the world’s largest fish aquariums taking in the awes of the wildlife of the sea. May you create wonderful memories in your relationship as well!
I’d love to hear from you, ask your questions, share your views, comment, like and share this article with a loved one who might need it. You can also read my post “The One Key Ingredient Discovered In Awesome Marriages” to give you further insight on how healthy communication makes a marriage thrive.
ZeeZee is a certified Relationship and Marriage Coach who believes her purpose in life is to equip couples with the right tools for a successful relationship. Through her website and YouTube channel she shares practical tips and principles that help couples understand the inner workings of a healthy marriage.
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