21 strategies to overcome marital delay – Part 1
Another thing to do to overcome marital delay is:
• Do Not Be Too Possessive Or Jealous
The issue of jealousy usually comes as a result of insecurity, low self-esteem and lack of trust. So many courtships had failed to metamorphose into marriage due to jealousy or due to the fact that one or both parties are super or over possessive. To be possessive means you like to dominate and control your partner’s life. When you specialise in monitoring your partner and shields your partner, fiance or fiancee so much that he or she is not allowed to relate with others freely without being suspected, then you are jealous or over possessive. There are ladies or men that can quarrel with their fiancé or fiancee just because he or she merely greeted someone of the opposite sex.
There are those who are mere casual friends, I mean relationship at a platonic level, but they shield their friends who are of the opposite sex from having contact with any other person of the opposite sex. How can you be in courtship with someone and he or she must never be seen with any other person! I am not in support of double-dealings or double dating or unfaithfulness, but the issue is that before you got to know the lady or man, I believe he or she must have known some others, either in school or at work or in his or her place of worship. It is, therefore, unreasonable to think that he or she is no more entitled to interact with anyone. Some sisters and brothers had told me of their intentions to quit a relationship because the brother or sister they were in relationship with became unnecessarily jealous or too possessive. We have heard of cases of men or ladies pouring acid, hot water on the relatives of their fiance or fiancee without knowing.
I am aware of what is called “Legitimate jealousy” between husband and wife, but in this case, I believe the jealousy was not even legitimate because they are not yet married. I heard the story of a lady who poured hot water on her fiance’s sister thinking that the sister was the girlfriend that wanted to snatch her man. You can guess the outcome of such relationship. Of course, the man had to quit the relationship. The fact that someone is your friend or relates with you does not mean he or she has no right to relate with others. The two of you need to relate with others, so you can grow properly and healthily. It is impossible to maintain a healthy relationship, when someone is unduly monopolised by another person. When someone finds it difficult to allow you to relate with others, the problem might be that he or she did not trust you, it could also be that the person has problem with insecurity or low self-esteem. Thirdly, it could be that you are responsible either by your inconsistencies or lack of focus, perhaps you are fickle, feeble and unstable, always changing or possibly because you do not share your heart with him or her. No one will trust you, when you are not open or when you are secretive. We must also learn to put boundary to how we relate with someone we refer to as casual friends.
Sometimes, ladies especially, can sense that a particular person of the opposite sex is having interest in her fiancé or her husband if she is married. Such issues should be handled with wisdom with your spouse and in such circumstances; the wife needs to protect the husband with that legitimate jealousy. Even when you are still in courtship, you need to understand that some folks are too dangerous to be allowed to close mark your fiancé or fiancée. Discuss with him or her and if he or she is truly not interested in that person, he or she will certainly listen and take corrections. But if he refuses to change, you need to quit that relationship. He may prefer that person to you or he may be using you as a backup, pending the time he will see a better person.
According to Norman Wright, “What happens to a relationship when jealousy appears? This grey- headed monster creates more problems than it can resolve. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because the other person tires from the lack of trust. And frequently, our jealousy is not because of what our partners are doing or not doing, it is simply a reflection of the insecurities in ourselves that we need to take a hard look at.”
Without any doubt, therefore, most cases of jealousies are as a result of insecurity. It can even be as bad as getting worried or troubled because you perceive that your spouse is looking at the opposite sex with admiration. You become possessive when you are no longer secure, when someone who is very close to you try to get closer or relate with others. You feel he or she should be spending all her time or his time with you and give you all her attention. Sometimes, this occurs as a result of low self-esteem as well; when you begin to see yourself as inferior, ugly or unsuccessful like others.
Please understand that no matter whom you are trying to relate with, such a person does not emerge from the sky. He or she must have had some other relations or be in relationships with some other persons before he or she ever met you. Without any doubt, he must have known some other people before you, either in school or other places and knowing you should not make him to become the enemy of people around him. Allow him or her to relate freely with others, but with some reasonable caution.
It is all about trust and there cannot be any healthy relationship without trust.
Please desist from the habit of suffocating your partner or friends with suspicion. Suspicious mindset can really be frustrating in a relationship. Some ladies had beaten their fiancé’s sisters, some had poured hot water or even acid on their fiance’s sisters, who came on a visit because they were not patient enough to find out who she was. Some had killed innocent ones before they realised that the victim had no relationship of any sort with their spouse.
Please avoid living by suspicion. Some are so suspicious they feel like monitoring the movement of their fiancé or fiancée. Some are not yet in courtship, but they make sure nobody greets the brother or sister, even though they are just casual friends. It is nothing but insecurity and not many people will like to marry any man or lady who is not secure. Why do you think you have a right to relate with your own friends, but he or she cannot or should not relate with his or her own friends or even classmates? You must also avoid jealousy and envy. Do not seek to monopolise his or her time. He or she certainly needs time to develop him or herself in other areas of life. Do not demand for too much attention, give him or her the opportunity to be himself or herself, allow him or her to build healthy relationships with others. We must refuse to be selfish.
More importantly, trust your spouse and trust God to help you keep your spouse because it is absolutely impossible for him or her to be with you at all times. And be very sure that you and your partner fear God. Please contact us and let us know if this has blessed you in any way. You can also forward your questions to us.
Rev. (Barrister) Solomon Ojigiri
(The Senior Pastor) 08059203554, 08023997277
Everwinning faith ministries int’l, 31, Oritse str. Off Obafemi Awolowo way, Balogun Bus Stop, Ikeja.