Finding the right partner
These days it is very tough finding the right person. The person who fits you, the one who meets your standards, the ying to your yang…I have this friend in dating distress, for the purpose of this newsletter, we will call him Tobi.
Tobi is an ambitious, good looking man of thirty five, currently working full time in a career that he loves, and attending school too, on his way to finishing a masters degree. Tobi is also single.One evening last week over dinner, drinks and increasingly deep conversation about everything but the meaning of life, Tobi paused and looked me square in the eye and said; “kemi, I am a good guy. Why can’t I find a girlfriend?”
To his credit, Tobi’s statement is not one of vanity. He is a very good guy. A great catch by any standard. But his question was two-fold. He continued; “I am tired of being single, but moreover, I am tired of meeting women who seem ‘otherwise distracted’, or who have no genuine interest in pursuing a relationship. I dated the last woman for two months before she flaked on me. Why is it so hard to meet a nice girl, and start a relationship?”
Now, Tobi is a tall, good-looking guy. He is a very cordial, well-mannered, ambitious man. He is also been dating primarily online for about the last year and a half. Though it would probably be difficult for any other normal human being to figure out why he is having so much trouble finding “her”, having been in his boat a time or two (and knowing some of his dating experiences from previous conversations), it is clear to me what is going on with him.
As we were talking and drinking, I got ready to let him in on a little secret that I had discovered in my own dating journey. That ‘distraction’ that he noticed is actually a red flag. There is something I call “The fear of missing out dater”.
The fear of missing out dater comes in male and female varieties. He/she is typically the person who leads an active dating life, but is always on the lookout for “something better” than the person that they are currently dating.The fear of missing out dater doesn’t quite settle into a relationship with any one person at a time, on any level, regardless of how much they have in common with them, or how much they like them, because they hang onto the mindset that tells them that there is “something better out there” than the person they are currently dating. I do not care if the person that they are currently dating is Denzel Washington or our very own Ramsey Noah with the heart of Mother Theresa, our fear of missing out dater has his/her eyes on the lookout for something much better than you. Trust me. And when the fear of missing out dater gets to the point in a ‘relationship’ where the proverbial ‘fork in the road’ is evident, making them have to actually choose to further a relationship with one person or another, they flake.
The fear of missing out dater is never fully invested in any one ‘dating/relationship prospect’ because they generally maintain at least one active online dating profile that they check on a regular basis, just in case that “something better” comes along while they are busy dating you. Example is Badoo, tinder and the likes of them. God forbid that they should actually make an honest effort to solidify the ‘relationship’ with you, which might mean paying some honest attention, and they just cannot do that.
The fact that online dating opens up a world of infinite relationship possibilities on an international scale is a welcome advantage for most, but not helpful for the fear of missing out dater. For them, it is actually a hindrance, because instead of helping them find “The One”, it lengthens the process by giving them an incalculable number of dating possibilities, and they cannot choose just one. So they do not. And they continue to date anyone and everyone for what seems like an eternity, because to do otherwise for them, would be ‘settling’.
I am sure one of you has these certain type of people lurking around. So what should you do now? There is only one way to deal with these sort of people, and it is not like you have to wait long to figure it out.These lot makes him/herself evident quite early. He/she will typically pay more attention to his/her phone than is ‘normal’, even when they are with you, as well as to ‘potential dates’ in the environment. If you are on a fourth or fifth date with a guy/girl who shows you something interesting on their phone, only to have a message pop up on the screen from a ‘prospect’ on one of the dating sites that they are currently using, (“So-and-so would like to chat with you…”), that’s a big red flag. Even as you are dating them, these type of people are still adding prospects to their ever growing list of ‘possibilities’. It just does not end.
So the answer would be to simply move on. If your man/woman is serious about wanting to further your relationship, they will quickly make it evident, and you can cross that bridge however you see fit.If however, they are too busy with the five others that they have got in regular rotation to even notice that you are gone, you will not hear from them. In which case, you can do better. Be thankful that you got out when you did.
To our happiness. Cheers.
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