Stop The Blame Game! Save Your Relationship!
At the root of most failed relationships, is the presence of incessant arguments. If you were to further dissect those arguments, you would find one partner (or both) is constantly blaming the other for certain things not going right in the relationship. But before we pass judgment on couples that let blaming each other lead to the demise of their relationship, we should consider the fact that this could easily happen, even in the healthiest of relationships.
Despite all we know about relationships, my husband and I sometimes allow ourselves to fall prey to the ‘blame game’. We are pretty good about major issues but we sometimes struggle to remember to not let blaming derail us when it comes to the small, inconsequential issues. I constantly teach my clients the importance of keeping arguments to the minimum, especially when it is within their control. The reality of any committed relationship is you will have conflict that escalates to arguments. Another reality is that if you are not able to create a significantly higher number of “happy moments” in your relationship, the odds of failure are significantly increased. Research data indicates this ratio needs to be in the range of 5 happy moments to 1 argument. These odds are hard enough already for the average relationship.
Back to my husband and me; Recently, we were going out with the kids, but when we left our house and got to the garage, we realized that neither of us had the car keys. The following conversation ensued:
ME: “But you had your car keys, so I didn’t bother bringing mine.”
HUBBY DEAREST: “Why would I bring my keys if you are driving? You guys are just dropping me, remember?”
ME: “Err… I SAW you pick up your keys, so I thought to myself, “why am I bringing mine?””
HUBBY DEAREST: “Err… Because YOU are driving!”
This silly back and forth went on for a few more seconds before I realized how ridiculous we both sounded, especially since I could already feel my blood pressure rising. I was basically reacting to him because I could also see he was getting visibly upset, and I couldn’t for the life of me understand why. Thankfully, my husband saved the day by saying “You know what? Ok, my fault. I should have brought my keys.”
Crisis averted! But it made me realize how quickly peaceful relationships could escalate into problematic ones. Sometimes we argue when we don’t have to, simply because we have conditioned ourselves to believe one of us is responsible when something goes wrong, however small. Because of the human tendency to get defensive when we are being attacked, if we believe we must point out the responsible party each and every time something goes wrong in the relationship, then we are creating more opportunities than necessary for arguments to occur in our relationships. There are enough roadblocks to the survival of relationships; we certainly do not need to add anymore. I encourage you to stop the ‘blame game’. It will save your relationships!
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ZeeZee is a certified Relationship Coach who believes her purpose in life is to equip people with the right tools for a successful relationship – with themselves and others. Through her website and YouTube channel she shares practical tips and principles that help couples understand the inner workings of a healthy marriage.
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