Appreciating Your Partner

Kemi 18-7-15 CopyMOST people do not appreciate when you do things for them. They never acknowledge anything at all, even if you put your head or arm down for them. And it hurts more when it is someone you love that hurts you that bad.

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do for someone, they do not appreciate it? Have you ever felt under acknowledged by your partner or maybe you had a great relationship at one point, but things have sort of slid toward the dark side?

Either way, lack of appreciation can absolutely murder a relationship. But sometimes, as we live our busy lives, we stop showing our partners how much we care for them.

If you have ever been on the receiving end of a lack of appreciation, you know how terrible it feels.You can get your partner to show you more appreciation by:
Depersonalising It

If you can work on this from the stance that they are on your side and actually want to make you happy, but for whatever reason cannot, that is a much more fixable situation than if you decide they do not love you anymore and do not care about your happiness.

Often, we experience a lack of appreciation in our relationship not because the other person actually does not appreciate us, but because both people are busy, get comfortable and/or were not great at showing their feelings in the first place.

We often put the people closest to us through the most grief, because we start to think, “they already know how I feel.”

Not so! That is why it is important to take a step back and think about the other circumstances that you have going on in your lives.

Are you busy? Have you and your partner been using your time and energy to invest in your relationship?

All of these circumstantial things can result in both of you neglecting to take the time to acknowledge the other person’s efforts.

It is important to give your partner as much of the benefit of the doubt as makes sense. Obviously, there is a big difference between “is so busy their head could spin” and “does not care about you anymore.”

It is important to be able to not take it personally when circumstances are not ideal.
Think About Your Own Behaviour

When we want something in our relationships, sometimes it works well to mirror the thing we want to receive.

If you want your partner to say thank you, make sure that you are saying it yourself. Do not fall into the trap of withholding your own appreciation because the other person has made you feel unappreciated.

Remember that you cannot get what you need by denying someone else what he needs. Make sure you are noticing the things that your partner does for you and going out of your way to mention it and draw attention to how much it means to you.

People often rise to your idealised treatment of them, but this cuts both ways. If you expect them to act shabbily toward you, you will often find ways to back up your expectations.

I am not saying to start trying too hard; I am suggesting that you make sure you are showing them your own appreciation by verbalising it out loud.

Every time they do something nice for you, make sure you recognise it. No act of kindness is too small to praise.

Sometimes when we are lacking in our relationship, we fail to recognise that we are not putting out what we want to receive, potentially because we are clueless and sometimes because we have fallen into the trap of keeping score.

Reduce Your Bitterness
It is so easy to get jaded in relationship when it feels like things are not going well.

Unfortunately, when you allow it, bitterness creates a spiral where your partner stops doing things for you because you react bitterly, then he pulls back more and more and bitterness results from that.

Sooner than later, this gets out of hand and eventually both people feel disheartened about the future. That is why depersonalisation of the problem helps.

So does recognising when you have become hurt and angry because when you stuff those, the resulting bitterness will drive the other person away further.

Discuss It, But Gently
Sometimes, we get ideas about our relationship and do not actually tell our partner, hoping they can read our mind. After all, you cannot change what you do not acknowledge, right?

So, if you are upset and you do not address it, unless he is a talented psychic, it is going to continue to be a problem.

When you decide to bring it up, sometimes a simple bid for reassurance can do the trick. Something, like, “I have noticed that we are super busy lately, but it would really mean a lot to me if you told me more often that you like things about what I am doing for us.

“I do not always know that you are happy, I could use a little more attention.”

Something like that sounds raw and honest, because it is.

It is also not a listing of your partner’s failings or an indictment of their character. It is a statement about what you need.

Remember that it is easier to get what you want from your partner when you actually tell him what you want.
Is This Fixable?
After doing the other things on this list, give it a little time to see if things will improve.
If you are still feeling vastly under-appreciated, consider whether this can continue to go on or if you are willing to walk away over it.

Do you see this improving, given your efforts? Is this relatively minor or do you sense that you have chosen someone too selfish to acknowledge your needs and give you the kind of relationship you want?

If it is otherwise, staying is your choice, but recognise that they probably are not going to change. So, decide what you want.

To the loving, happy relationship we all deserve, good luck in love and life. Cheers!

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