When your spouse refuses to apologise


We must not assume that our partners will always know when they are wrong. It can really be painful, when you expect an apology from your partner and none comes. You should again and again ask yourself this question: “do I really deserve an apology?” If your answer is yes, try to gently tell your partner that you think you deserve an explanation or apology in such an area, instead of isolating yourself.
There is a part of the brain that records all our good and bad experiences. It records all the insults and praises. It records sad things and things of joy. When that section of the brain receives an insult, praise or any information, messengers known as neurotransmitters then alert a place known as the hippocampus to wake up.

The hippocampus wakes up and stores each information into long-term memory. It is stored into a memory bank. It is like a computer. It is now left for you to make up your mind whether to retrieve and play back good information or the bad ones. You have the power over your brain to force it to remember what you want it to remember.

If you have no power over your brain, the One who created it would not have told you to direct it to think on those things that are honest, just, pure, lovely (Philippians 4:8) and things that have praise. Deliberately direct your brain to bring back good memories from your memory bank. You should force your brain to meditate on the good. Just as you can direct your hands or legs to any direction you want, that is how you can direct your mind to think on only those things you want to think of. It can be a struggle, but with constant practice, you will perfect your thought life. It is at this stage it can be said that you are a mature person.

Fire your relationship and marriage by meditating on the good. The Holy Spirit has power over that anger, moodiness, malice, violence and self-pity. Always ask Him to come and take charge at times like these. A thinker by name Williams James once wrote, “the art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.” It is not a sign of maturity for a spouse to always expect/ask for an apology. So, we should learn to overlook many things. After a quarrel, couples and families should immediately come together again, so that they will not open themselves to the satanic weapon of isolation.

Every marriage and family is always on the move. It is either moving towards oneness or isolation. And isolation is not good for your health and the health of your marriage. Without a quarrel or after a quarrel, do not exclude your spouse from your world, just because he/she did not apologise. Like little children, learn to easily become friends again. I believe you know that little children do not apologise to one another after a quarrel. Before you know it, they have started playing again. If you start isolating your spouse from parts of your world now, at your old age, when the children are gone, you will become two lonely individuals bound together only by a very tiny thread.

After all, we have sinned against God many times without listening to “God’s still small voice” that rises to direct us. Despite defying this “still small voice of calm,” God allows us to continue with our lives. He does not kill us. Do not, therefore, kill your marriage because of an apology that failed to come. However, very serious issues need apology. Do not stop fighting the war for stability of your marriage. “Fight the good fight of faith. Lay hold on eternal life.” I love you.

In this article:
Bishop Charles Ighelespouse
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